Feelin' kinda off right now. I've been keeping myself insane with music work, Ikusa progress, and trying out a new PSP game. I know that I still have a lot of details to cover in Ikusa before it's ready, but I pride myself in my ability to get it done smoothly. Plus, working on music again is great, even though I've - once again - hit a wall in my latest track. Gah...

I've actually started up another little quirk: critic reviewing of games and movies. It's intermittent, really only doing it when I feel up to it, but it's a lot of fun. I love paying attention to the finer details in a title, then bringing it together in a mass review. I've got two done - one on Lunar: Silver Star Harmony, and one on The Last Airbender. (('Course, my reviews aren't official, they're just fun to do.))

But anyway. It's been fairly uneventful since the last time I wrote here, so there's not much to go on about. Hopefully, next post will see more content and detail. Hah, maybe I'll even be able to announce Ikusa's completion level!

Rush News!:
-I've of two minds about Mimana Iyar Chronicle. At least the voice acting is top-tier.
-My next shift starts in less that two hours. My last shift ended six hours ago.
-My dog is acting more like my cat, and my cat is acting more like a burden.
-"I really don't want you to end up like that Greanbeum..." is a memorable quote from a great flash series. "Escape" for the win.
-Time for another job hunt. *Grabs pen and dress shirt*

Here I am, once again, unable to get the information I need. My supervisor isn't texting me back, and I have less than twenty minutes left until I gotta get going. I'm supposed to be helping out with a new store that opened up a few towns over, but everywhere I've looked doesn't list it! So I tried asking my supervisor for the phone number, and she's yet to respond. Maybe she's busy, maybe something else has happened. All I know is that I can't get done what I need to get done for today. Ugh.

But anyway. One of my coworkers saw me writing out schematics for the Forge yesterday. After explaining my game to him, he told me an interesting fact - he has a friend who works with art, and she might be able to help out. My short response was "Awesome!", since it means I might be able to commisson some quality concept art for Ikusa soon. Anybody who can draw the characters well, will work!

I told Matt about it, and he's onbard with the idea. I just hope I'm not getting our hopes up with this development. I haven't even recieved a definite answer yet.

Rush News!:
-Lunar is great fun. I'd forgotten all of the grade-A lines the game has!
-I got my PSP replaced for only ten dollars! Lucky me.
-I signed into POM.net for the first time in over two weeks today. It's good to be back.
-I want another Pheonix Wright game.
-All your base are belong to zwiz.

Wanna know what happens in the story?!? I'm gonna tell you everything that happens in the story!!! It's gonna be great and awesome and cool and neat and good and happy and non-existent! Know why?!? Because I'm not TELLING you anything about the story!!!

At least, not yet. Hell, some of my closest friends don't even know all of the secrets to Ikusa. Sometimes, even I feel like I'm missing some points to the storyline. That's the problem when you keep it all in your head and are too damn lazy to type it out for the seventh time.

But, alas, the time is drawing near when I'll have to implement the story into the engine. Matt has helped to make a kickass system, drawing resources from all over the game design community we're a part of. The result is a surprisingly robust system that still leaves a lot to edit freely. Which also leaves a lot to do.

At least the building of the game will be simple. (That's the idea, at any rate.) As long as I can devote a few hours at a time to building it, brick by proverbial brick, I can expect a full version by the year's end. Nothing official, however. I still haven't got the means to freely devote said time.

Rush News!:
-All hail the Cognition Vault.
-All hail the Vaultian language.
-All hail the Homo Roach.
-All hail the Hypnotoad.
-All hail the hail outside.

I've decided to try to make the Rush News segment a standard in every non-[bl] post I write. It's kinda fun to see five points that have absolutely nothing to do with the post content! Which reminds me...

Rush News!:
-Peni-

...nah, nevermind, I'm not doing that one. Moving on...

The Ikusa ~ Wartorn project is officially at eighty percent completion. While I've been splitting my head open with working through character bios, Forge schemes, equipment listings, and hunting down any storyline wrinkles, Matt has been keeping himself busy with graphic work and system overhauls, among other things. ((By the way...Yanfly, whoever you are, wherever you are, you made an awesome script!)) The game's internal engine is coming along very nicely, thanks to Matt's dedication.

Yet I still haven't managed to work much on voice effects, actor/actress training, audio, and bonus tidbits. I have eight points I check for when running a percentile mean, and two of those points are still below sixty percent individually. It's annoying, to say the leaast, but at least the other six points are ranging ninety percent to a full hundred.

The biggest obstacle is still ahead - putting the game together. I know it'll be tedious, and it'll probably chew me up and spit me out by the time I'm done. However, I'm reasonably confident that I can release a version 1.0 by the start of December, with any luck. And, of course, Matt's help.

Rush News!: ((for real this time))
-My cell phone's screen has a crack crawling across it. I've taken to running my fingernail across it for no real reason.
-I got a free Chipotle dinner tonight, and I still don't know why. Apparently, the female manager likes me or something.
-I've wasted another hour at the library. Huzzah.
-I still need to update my RPG Maker info on a few sites.
-You just lost the game.

I'm writing this while I've got my brother on Skype! Been too long, bro!

So, lessee...I made the mistake of going through my miniplayer yesterday, looking for how many songs I want to use for Ikusa versus how many I have permission to use. The result was about 4:1. Now I feel deprived...again.

The good news is that the songs I do have permission on are all solidified in their places. Sadist, Epilogue, Veridian Moon, and so many others, all have their own place in the game. It's all just a matter of putting those songs in and making them effective.

The bad news is that a lot of the songs I don't have permission on are difficult to replace! Where else am I gonna find an equally ominous dungeon theme that loops so well? Where am I gonna find a game over theme as awesome as the one I have now? I'm selling myself short because I forgot to ask for the composer's permission!

You might be wondering why I'm worried, since submissions in the Audio Portal are already licensed under Creative Commons. Well, yeah, they're protected, but I prefer to be on the safe side, plus it's just polite to ask for usage permission. One of my earlier tunes was used in a flash game, and though I was proud of it, I was still a little irked that they didn't ask first. I know it's weird, and the feeling didn't last, but that was just my thought process.

All in all, I suppose it's all good. The most I did was just put the audio aspect of the project into perspective. It sucks that I know just how little has been done, but now, at least, I know what's next. Now I just wish I could actually work in the Minor Test melody I can never finish!

Rush News!
-Being bored is boring.
-I learned a new military term! Ratfuck. It rolls off the tongue and into your ears like a serrated knife!
-I kind of want some enchiladas right now. From my family's favorite restaurant. Seriously. Right now.
-Looking forward to my brother coming home. It's been so long.
-My dog is a nutcase in black fur.

I've always known that making a game, even one as small as Ikusa ~ Wartorn, would be a challenge. I've always known that it would throw curveballs at me, no matter what I tried. I've always known that, as I went farther into the labyrinth of programming it, it would only get harder and harder. But one thing I never expected was not being able to work on the damn thing!

It's been...what, eight years now? Eight years since I first began boiling out ideas for an Ikusa game. Nine years since my friend IchibanYousei invited me to the roleplay. Eight years since the roleplay closed down. Eight years to test, examine, study, export, and delete.

So now, as I gaze down the final stretch of work, I wonder how the hell I managed to limit myself. I have a head full to bursting with plans. New ideas are streaming in every hour. I have a freaking leather portfolio with all my Wartorn notes! Yet I have no computer to call my own! *Bangs head against keyboard*

How the frakk am I supposed to get this game out to the masses if I can't work on it on my own time? I can't rely on Matt to let me use his all the time, and I don't want to bother him with it. But goddamn it, I need a reprive of some sort! I need to work on the game and my music on my own system! Even if it's my old, beat-up laptop that my father stole. I need something.

I've heard that hard work yields results. I've heard a dozen parables about perserverence and reward, sown and reaped, etc., etc. And I'll be damned if somebody says I haven't been patient. I know all it takes is a lotta work and a little time. But that's just it - I've still got a lot of work to do, and I want to make a winter deadline soon. How can I do this if all my funds get consumed by the wants of home and elsewhere?

Gah! I'm gonna make a Paypal or something, and start begging. Anything to get me off the ground a little bit at a time.

Y'know, these days, with all the crap I gotta put up with at work, home, and abroad, it makes me wonder how I ever thought I'd be able to make Ikusa a one-man project. In the course of the last six months, the game has been completely reworked, and I've even bitten the bullet and agreed to use RPG Maker VX, for simplicity's sake. ((Psh, yeah, like it was ever simple.))

This time, I wanna shout out to Matt. He's put up with so many of my whims and quirks, before and after I was living with his family. Now, as I stand before the eighty-percent completion mark, I feel calm knowing that he's seeing this monster through with me.

Don't get me wrong - people like Asa, Brian, Travis, Britt, and everyone who's helping, all contribute so much in their own way. Hell, I probably wouldn't be this far without Brian's quirks! But Matt's got his own platter of troubles at home and abroad, and yet he still manages to devote time to my dream. Thank you, Matt. You're awesome.

Continuing on from my last rant/blog/journal/post. Over the last several days, I've borne witness to many different things. Nearly all of them contained within the confines of Personal lives and Professional, as stated in my last post. But a third category makes itself known: Family. And not just the ties of blood - rather, the ties of experience that cause you to think of a group of friends as a "second family," or "home away from home."

I know that nothing is worse than the pain of suffering alone. As a growing man entering the rushing torrent that is society, I've had to experience a million things that nothing could have prepared me for. Some of them, I've had help on. Some of them, others were with me to guide me, pull me out, or - thank God - take charge and give me a chance to sit back. But still, some of them, nobody else has ever known about.

I'm no expert, and certainly not a psyche doctor, but I know enough through my experiences and troubles to know when one of my friends is suffering. It's like a three-ring circus, with me balancing three lives from my ten-foot-high perch in the center. In one circle, I mediate the needs and wants of my life in society, working my shift, filing reports, and dealing with general bullshit. In another circle, I lay my talents bare before my family, where they request them, look down on them, exploit them, or reward them - often in that order. In the third circle, my own, personal life dwells, complete with all the knowledge I have on my friends and personal goals.

Despite the torture I put myself through in balancing these three aspects, I find myself satisfied with the results of one. The personal ring.

Wednesday, the third, was a successful day in that regard. I was again blessed with an opportunity to spend time with my friends, just for the sake of spending time with each other. I had meant to use the opportunity to talk to them about Ikusa, but after I started to crash at Cici's, I figured it didn't matter at that point. So, forgetting about the game for the day, we had lunch, we got drinks, we went swimming, we had fun. Even in the aftermath of everything, we were all just tired and happy.

However, because the Personal Ring was a huge success, it threw off the balance of the Society and Family Rings. Not just my own, either - I understand that two of the people I was with on Wednesday experienced something similar. This just proves to me that, the way my life is going right now, I can take one step forward - but I'll be forced to take two steps back. A 33% gain in one Ring, then a total loss of 67%. I'm trapped by the Three Rings.

Still, this is all just conjecture and assumption. I'm only twenty, for God's sake. I've still got many more years to go before I can say anything is holding me down. For now, I can only try to bring the Society and Family Rings up to the level of the Personal Ring, and balance them from that point. At least then, things will be better for this writer.

Friends are really something. If you're like me, then you love to spend time with the people you've met across the years, swapping stories, sharing interests, and just killing time by hanging out. You squander hard-earned money, you crack jokes you otherwise wouldn't utter, you voice an opinion that's often silenced among employers and family. But as your life goes on, eventually, inevitably, you have to leave that particular world behind as business and society draw you in.

The future, near or far, can be frightening, simply because we don't know what it holds. So we, as humans - as friends - have an undeniable desire to remain in the world of our friends.

Normally I'd link this to my Ikusa work, but I'm being serious with this post. I was graced with the chance to spend time with three of my friends yesterday. It made me realize how different I behave with them and how I behave in society. What's more, I'm not the only one who realized this.

One of my friends continued talking about his old life, when he had to disappear, essentially, a few years ago. Back then, he went on and on about how real he felt with himself, about how good his life was going, despite the circumstances taken to reach that life. He told me that yesterday was the best he's felt since that old life. In his words, he "felt like a teenager again."

This sparks an age-old debate, one that I've failed to truly acknowledge until now. Society and personal lives are almost polar opposites - two forces that each house their own troubles and rewards, and each one works in the opposite way of the other. Our personal lives give birth to our dreams and goals. Those dreams and goals direct us to where we want to go in business. That business secures our place among society, and before we realize it, we're too far into the rabbit hole to climb out. Should we try to return to the life we loved, we'd only destroy all that we've worked for. Society would not allow us to simply leave our professional business behind for personal ones.

At the same time, we cannot hope to survive without entering society and establishing ourselves. Should we choose to hide from it, it will be harder to live in general. Respect from your peers will be hard-won, if that. By the time we're fed up with hiding from society, it will have move on without us. We'd have to jump, blindfolded, into the rabbit hole, and hope to God we land softly enough to walk.

Personal and professional. Friends and society. Fire and ice.

In this writer's opinion, society should take a break. Give us a real chance to relax and spend a bit of time in the old, personal worlds of our friends. Give us the opportunity, however fleeting, to practice our old habits and reap the rewards - or consequences. Even if afterward, we're hurting because we've tasted what we missed, I say it's better than forgetting the taste altogether. "Better to have loved and lost..."

I've come to realize the growing fact that my ability to work on my game without the proper software is coming to a close. As I near eighty percent completion, I know that the serious work is just around the corner. All of the hardest work - mapping, programming, audio, graphics, voices, scripting, etc. - will be contained within this twenty percent.

So, I find myself blessed that I have close friends who have agreed to spend their time to make the game as good as it can be. Without this team, Ikusa would probably never have been seen the way it's coming to be. Even for those who have yet to select a part, or are just beyond contact; their initial support drives me.

Making the game is my dream. Making the game good is my goal.

And yet the hardest work is the simple matter of bringing the two notions together. But I digress.

As it stands, my next real obstacle is the mapping. I have the general idea of what should go where - it's all just a matter of building it in the software. Software I, once again, have lost. *Facepalm* I swear you this, if I ever find myself in a two-thousand dollar surplus, I'm going to indulge my technical hunger a little.

Rush News!
-That "Link's Barrel Beat" is quite addicting. But I get the feeling that Tetra is having second thoughts about leaving the Ghost Ship.
-Thanks to one gas purchase, I effectively worked thirty-one hours last week for about a dollar-ten per hour. Damn bank took my check and left me with pocket change. I'm rich on lint!
-My ex invited me to join her and her friends on a camping trip sometime down the road. I do want to go, but I know she'll fall back into her schoolgirl fantasy "he's the only one for me" demeanor if I do. *Sigh*
-I need food. Seven Oreo cookies don't cut it.
-Executive Producers are awesome.